Monkeys Are Hard Work
by Hikaru R. Kudou
Summary: Shounen ai Mild yaoi Sanzo X Goku. Ever wondered what made Genjo Sanzo a remarkable ownerguardianetc to Son Goku? Here, the great Sanzosama ultimately reveals his deepest secret!


**Title: **Monkeys are Hard Work  
**Authoress:** Hikaru R. Kudou  
**Rating:** PG  
**Genre: **Shounen ai / Mild yaoi, Parody, Humour, General  
**Warning:** Might appear OOC (I don't think it is, though), the authoress' poor English, utter randomness, might appear repulsive in some areas, mild (?) cursing, etc  
**DISCLAIMER:** There's no way I can ever own Saiyuki…but it's not a crime to dream…  
**Summary: **Ever wondered what made Genjo Sanzo a remarkable owner/guardian/etc to Son Goku? Here, the great Sanzo-sama ultimately reveals his deepest secret!

Authoress' Notes: I was browsing through my 'kaa-san's copy of HealthToday (May 2003 Malaysian edition) when I noticed an article with the heading "Children are Hard Work". Suddenly my "inspiration" kicked in, despite that it was 11 o'clock at night—and because of that I had a sleepless night. Talk about sleeping with your brain active…  
Should there be any fic out there that is similar or quite similar to this one here, I apologize abundantly. It's purely coincidental. Secondly, so sorry if it's not really hilarious! So sorry, I really am! *bows apologetically*

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Sanzo chucked his cigarette butt on the cigarette holder and made his way to the door.

"Sanzo, where are you going?" asked Hakkai.

"Out."

"Sanzo, can I come too?" asked the ever genki Goku.

A grunt. "Hm."

"Yatta!" Goku quickly tailed the blond monk. "Ne, Sanzo, can I have something to eat while we're out?"

Hakkai and Gojyo could not hear the monk's reply, for the latter had shut the door firmly before anything else. Hakkai leaned back on his chair. "Sometimes I wonder how Sanzo takes care of Goku so profoundly well. I mean, I'm sure it's no easy task to look after a boy with limitless energy."

Gojyo grinned mischievously, for some unknown reason. "You sure you want to know, Hakkai?"

"Of course. Do you have the answer to that?"

Gojyo took something from his pocket. It was a newspaper clipping. "Sanzo must've had it for quite some time. See, the paper's turned yellow."

"And just how did you acquire this? Sanzo'll blow your brains out if he ever finds out you took it from him."

Gojyo shrugged casually. "He dropped it in the restaurant downstairs. He was too busy whacking the monkey to notice my sly hands." He grinned wider.

"Maa, probably so." Hakkai took the clipping and scrutinized it. "_Children are Hard Work_?" He read the title out loud. "_Bringing up children is one of the hardest and most important jobs. American author Robert Fulghum suggests the following 10 useful rules_;

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Rule 1: Children are not pets

_Scene #1:_

In the temple…

"Sanzo-sama, Sanzo-sama!"

"Damn it, what is it **this **time!?"

"Son Goku's smearing the temple's walls again!"

"Can't you see I'm busy getting into my robe??" _Damned friggin' piece of cloth…_

"But, Sanzo-sama…he's your responsibility."

"Correction, he's a pet." As soon as he reached the scene of the crime, "SARU!!!!" *THWACK!* "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???!!!!"

"Demo, Sanzo! I drew a picture of you! Ne, what do you think of it?"

"BAKA!!!! That doesn't look like me at all!"

"Ahhh!!! SANZO~! Look, this is your head, your hair, your hands—It **is** you!"

"URUSEI! I **do not** look like a stick-man!"

_Scene #2:_

"Sanzo, Sanzo, can you buy me that bun? Please, please? I'm hungry!"

"Is that all you think about!? My feeding you?"

"Hai, demo Sanzo…! Everybody says you've to feed me because I'm your pet…"

"…Twenty buns, and make it snappy."

"Yay!"

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Rule 2: The life they actually live, and the life you perceive them to be living, are not the same

_Scene #3:_

"Baka saru!" *whack* "Aren't you good for anything else other than eating!?"

"Itai yo! I fight too, you know!"

_Scene #4:_

Hakkai was saying casually, "Ne, Sanzo, I'm just wondering…how would you describe Goku?"

"Trouble."

"Maa…other than that."

"Always too genki for his own good."

"Ah…anything else?"

"Ch' why are you asking me this stupid question? 'Sadness' is not in his vocabulary." Sanzo lit a cigarette.

Behind them, Gojyo looked at Goku closely. "Hey, saru, what's up with you?"

Goku sobbed. "I'm depressed." He sniffed loudly.

Sanzo frowned deeper.

"Saa, Sanzo…" said Hakkai, smiling in amusement. "It seems that your hypothesis has just been proven erroneous."

Goku wiped his tears away. "My bun…my **last** bun…it just fell off the jeep…"

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Rule 3: Don't take what your children do too personally

_Scene #5:_

"Sugoi! My really-really-hot-burning-soba-that-will-make-your-tongue-sizzle-and-your-throat-fried-to-crisps is finally here! Ne, Sanzo, doesn't it smell nice?! Wow!"

"Stop talking so much."

"Ne, ne, waiter-san!" Goku waved his hands wildly. "I need chopsticks to—AHHH! NOOO!!!! My really-really-hot-burning-soba-that-will-make-your-tongue-sizzle-and—what was it again?" Goku scratched his head, trying to remember.

"ATSUI! BAKA SARU!! I just got this freaking robe from the frigging cleaners and paid a ****ing bomb for it! I'LL BOMB YOU!!!!!!!"

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Rule 4: Don't keep scorecards on them – a short memory is useful

_Scene #6:_

Sanzo was signing a receipt when Goku showed immense interest towards the inkbottle.

"Ne, Sanzo, can I try writing?"

"Idiot, don't even try to think—"

"Why, sure," said the kind innkeeper. He handed another inkbottle to the monkey. "You can have it. I have no use for it anymore."

"Wow, thanks! You're really generous!" Goku continued to eye the bottle as they made their way to their room. As soon as he arrived, Goku searched for any unwanted paper to test his new ink. He found a newspaper edition, and before you can say 'meat buns' he was already scrawling on the paper. Sanzo, who was not really paying attention to Goku, was scrutinizing his gun, making sure it was in top condition. Once he was done, Sanzo, without looking, reached for a newspaper—the same newspaper Goku was drawing on.

Sanzo, feeling his fingers a tad sticky, raised it and was outraged seeing his hand black. Thousands of volcanoes (including the inactive ones) erupted as Sanzo grabbed Goku's collar.

"Ah, Sanzo!!" Goku accidentally tossed his bottle up in the air, due to his shock.

"SARU!!!! WHAT THE &^%* HAVE YOU DONE!!!?? That was today's newspaper, damn it!"

"SANZO!!! WATCH OUT!!!!"

Too late. The bottle landed squarely on Sanzo's head, dyeing his golden blond hair midnight black. Goku's eyes literally budged out of their sockets in sheer terror.

"&*#@!!!!! I'll MURDER you!!! Ten minutes ago it was that hellish soba, twenty minutes ago those chicken ramen, an hour ago a truckload of dumplings, four hours and fifteen minutes ago that cold tea, three days ago my best beer, a week ago a basin of hot water, two years ago that wall paint, and NOW…NOW, it's INK!!!" Sanzo removed the bottle from his head. "PERMANENT INK!!!! You'll PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Rule 5: Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being

_Scene #7:_

It was another round of Kougaiji, the youkai 'Prince Charming' versus Son Goku, the bottomless pit.

"Nyoibo~!!!!"

"Ha, you missed! Now witness my newfound technique – Totally Foul Blob of Mud and Other Yucky, Icky Stuff!!!!"

"ARGH!! Disgusting!!!! NO!!!"

As if on reflexes, Sanzo started shooting at Kougaiji.

"Hora! This is only between Son Goku and me! You can't interfere!"

"**** you! Do you know how hard it is to clean him! I hope you rot in HELL!!!!!!!"

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Rule 6: Stay out of their rooms after puberty

["Chotto…" interrupted Gojyo.

"Hai?" Hakkai looked up at him.

"After _whose _puberty?" There was a devious grin on Gojyo's face.

"Erm…both?" suggested Hakkai as he sweat dropped.]

_Scene #8:_

"Oi, saru, we're leaving now." Sanzo entered Goku's room. "They're waiting for you."

"Ahhhh!!! Sanzo!! I'm not ready~!!!!" Goku was only clad in a towel around his waist. "I'll be dressed in no time if you'd just—"

"…Forget them. We've plenty of time."

"Huh? San—Sanzo, are you going to stay here and watch me get dressed?"

"No."

"Then why did you lock the door and throw away the key? How are we going to get out? And the innkeeper is going to explode if he finds one of his keys missing. Hey, Sanzo, why are you—WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

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Rule 7: Stay out of their friendships and love life unless invited in

_Scene #9:_

Sanzo was walking past Goku's room when he suddenly heard a second voice in it. He paused to check.

"Son Goku…you've gotten stronger…"

"Erm! Na, na, you can't—you have to move a little to the left."

"But that's so far away from my target…!"

"Wow, it's in! Wahaha! Yatta na!"

At this point Sanzo could not take it anymore. He threw the (locked) door open and whisked his trusty gun out, shooting dozens of fiery bullets at Goku's guest.

"Konzen! Look what you've done to my best cape!" Homura gawked at his ill-fated cape, now looking as trivial as a mere cottage cheese—with even more holes.

"Sanzo???" Goku gasped in astonishment.

"%$&^ you, KONZEN! I didn't even TOUCH Son Goku!"

"Sanzo, look! I did it!"

Sanzo's eyebrow was twitching. "Did **what**?" He continued shooting at Homura, that the heretic god decided it was best for him to pull off his disappearing act at once.

"Sanzo, I'm so happy! I beat Homura at chess! See, see!" Goku pointed to the chessboard – or at least, the remains of it. "All of my pieces are in Homura's vicinity! I penetrated through his defences!!"

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Rule #8: Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you

_Scene #10:_

"Sanzo?"

"…"

"Can I have some food?"

"No."

"Wow! Thank you! Ohayou, Bun-seller-san! I'd like to have **all **of your buns! Can I, can I?"

Sanzo's teeth were gritted so rigidly that if they were not equipped with enough calcium and phosphorus, Sanzo would have one hell of a time looking for a dentist to find for their, err, replacements. "Baka! Weren't you listening to me??!!"

"So, mister," said the bun vendor coolly. "Cash, credit or cheque?"

"I'm not going to—"

"Sanzo~!" wailed Goku, locking his huge, breathtaking, absolutely adorable, innocent golden baby monkey eyes (since 'puppy dog eyes' are out of the question) into Sanzo's bored (not to mention infuriated) mauve ones. "Pretty please? I'm truly starving…"

_Damn, not those eyes again…those pitiful, marvellous eyes…_

"Ne, Sanzo?"

"…Credit card."

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Rule 9: Learn from them; they have much to teach you

_Scene #11:_

Sanzo was death-glaring the water tap in his bathroom. He had been twisting the tap for hours, trying to get water flowing out of it, to no avail. He cursed profusely.

"Erm, Sanzo…"

"Nan da yo, saru? Can't you see I'm busy!?"

"The water is never going to come out…"

"What do you know?" Sanzo snorted in contempt. The last time he checked, Goku had not obtained a PhD in water plumbing or such. "Leave me alone!"

"Demo, Sanzo, the way to do it is…"

"K'so! Stupid water tap!" Sanzo was oblivious to Goku's assistance.

"Ne, ne, Sanzo! Listen…the trick is…"

"Yurusei!" Sanzo, his patience already beyond control, aimed his Wesson & Smith at the hapless (not to mention meagre) tap and started firing violently. "Come out NOW!!!!!"

Okay, so water did come out at last. Sanzo was sprinkled, showered and spurted with water, for he had just made a profoundly gigantic hole in the plumbing. His blond, shiny locks were dripping wet, his clothes drenched through and his lips quivering in acute anger.

"Sanzo?"

"WHAT NOW!!??" demanded Sanzo through clenched teeth.

"You need to unfasten the main water tap first…"

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Rule 10: Love them long; let them go early

_Scene #12:_

Sanzo and Goku were sitting on a cosy armchair (A/N: Nothing hentai-ish here, you perverts!), with the shorter lad seated on top of the monk, the latter's hand wrapped snugly around the former.

"Um, Sanzo…" Goku shifted awkwardly.

The monk solely groaned lazily in response and went back to sleep.

"Sanzo, can you let go of me?"

"What for? I barely got comfortable." Sanzo frowned in displeasure.

"But, but…it's really an emergency…"

"I'll show you what emergency **really **means if you don't keep quiet." Indeed, Sanzo meant business.

"I can't wait any longer…"

"Yes you can, and you will. Hn."

"Datte…!"

Sanzo, too indolent to reply, merely tightened his hold, and he proceeded to close his eyes once more.

"But you'll get mad at me…"

"…Whatever…"

Goku paused for a while, but once he noticed that Sanzo's hold had relaxed, he resumed trying to break free.

Unfortunately Sanzo had quick reflexes. "Goddamn it, Goku!! Stay still!!" Sanzo was practically choking Goku in his suffocating embrace.

"Sanzo~!!!!"

"Shut up! I'm not letting you go!!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"…Why is it wet all of a sudden!? …BAKA!!!!! (*@%^~`#^&@!!!!!! What the &%#$ did you do, you @&#&~%=!!!! SHII-NE!!!!!!"

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Hakkai, miraculously still maintaining his signature smile on his face, sweat dropped. "Ah, sou desu ne…So this is how he did it."

Gojyo poured another cup of sake for himself, chuckling in amusement. "Mystery solved."

Without warning they heard voices—Sanzo's and Goku's—coming their way.

"Sanzo, why do you look so angry?"

"K'so! That worthless *&^$^# must've been rummaging through my things again."

"What? What did you lose?"

"None of your business. It has *nothing* to do with you!"

"Ah? Hontou ni?"

"Once I get my hands on that water cockroach…"

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Authoress' Ramblings: So, how did I fare? Was it okay? Was it funny enough? Tell me what you think about this fic of mine, onegai shimasu! *bows* Thanks a lot for reading!


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